A “Teachable Moment” ~ For Me…

Hello Everyone -

I know that I have not written in a long time, and there are a lot of things that I need to catch you up on. First though, I feel compelled to share something that happened today – but to explain the significance of that, I must go back in time a bit.

I started as an Adjunct at South University Online three semesters ago (five week semesters). At first I was teaching “Strategies for Success” which is basically a “Gateway” course for new students – many of which have been out of school for years or are retraining for a different career. The first student to complete the first assignment (An Autobiography) we will call “Mary”. This is what she wrote:

"Hi, my name is MARY. I am 37 years old. I’m married to my wonderful husband BOB. I have 6 awesome children, GIRL 21, GIRL 20, BOY 14, BOY 10 and BOY and BOY 9 year-old twins. I also have a 8 month old grandson BOY. Because of life and circumstances I have been out of school since 1987. I have always wanted to continue my education and earn a degree. Until now that has always been just a "pipe dream". Thanks to the love

and support my husband and family that dream is now reachable. I am studying to earn my Bachelors Degree in GREAT AREA. I haven't really considered what I am going to do after I complete my Bachelors Degree program. I am still excited and absorbing that I’m actually doing this and been blessed with this opportunity."

The semester went on, and she was my best student. Always turning things in early – encouraging to the other students, and truly a wonderful person to work with. The last week of the semester I received this email from her:

“Hello Mrs. Deming,

Sorry that I was just able to log-in and get started on my work and readings for the week. I had a tubal pregnancy that had to be removed the first part of April. When the Dr. did my DNC the next week they did a pap-smear and annual check up that was over three years past due. Back in 04 I had a bout with cervical cancer. I was living in BIG AREA and had top notch treatment through  BIG NAME cancer hospital. It was extremely hard on me and my 2 oldest daughters basically had to play li'l mom to my younger children and help take care of me a lot also. While going through the aggressive treatment that they were doing on me I was extremely sick. I couldn't keep any kind of food down, water was even hard to keep down. I lost 60 pounds in 3 months and felt as if I were already dead. Well I had my follow up appointment Tuesday at 11am. I was not prepared for what I was told when I got into the Dr's office. The cancer is back, there were several cells found in my pap. I walked out of the Dr's office in disbelief, upset, and very angry. It is 2am Thursday morning and I was only 2 hours ago to force myself to get out of bed. I am trying to just forget that I went to the Dr and heard the news. I am not sure what I am going to do as far as that goes at this point. Cancer in female organs runs on both sides of my family bad. My grandmother on my mothers side is in her final stages right now, the Dr's didn't see her making it past February. This is her 4th time and she didn't fight it this time cause of how ill it made her the other 3 times. I am feeling and thinking the same way right now. I know it is hard for people to understand that have never experienced the aggressive treatment before. I am really angry about the whole thing because how great my life has been since I met HUSBAND. I have had a really horrible life since I was very young. The past 2 years since I met HUSBAND has been the best 2 years of my life. It has been the first time I have ever been truly happy, at peace, and love waking up everyday. HUSBAND keeps telling me to open my bible and keep reading, its hard for me to do right now cause of the anger I am feeling. I have read my daily devotional and bible everyday for years, but having a hard time trying to not be angry and wanting to know why and why now, why not years ago, why did the treatment work when my life was bad? Why did it come back when I finally have the kind of life and husband I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. It all seems so unfair! Anyways like I already stated I trying to put it out of my head for now. I'm going to spend rest of the week focusing on my course and catching up on all the work and readings I have put off this week. Sorry to unload all my personal problems on you like this. I just needed you to understand why I haven't done my assignments yet this week. It is also easier to tell you about my feelings and thoughts on the whole situation cause I know what you are studying to be, and I don't have any family to talk to this about except HUSBAND. I haven't talked to my mother in over 10 years. My dad and I talk maybe once a month for about 30 minutes but we are not close. Bad childhood left home at 13 cause it was literally safer on the streets of BIG CITY than in my own home around my own parents. So HUSBAND and my children are the only family I really have. Of course HUSBAND knows what all is going on but, I have not told my other children cause I don't want my oldest 2 daughters to worry and the others are to young and don't want them to worry either. Anyways I am going to close this email now and get to work on all the catching up I have to do. Thank you for letting me unload my problems on you.

Sincerely, MARY”

I was a bit stumped at what to say, but I decided I would email her back when I felt I had something to say that was meaningful – even though when I started I did not know what that was. Here is what came out…

“MARY-

I am going to take a break from being a teacher at the moment and just respond to you personally (hope that is ok....). To me, God must see you as one of the most amazing souls that has ever been sent down to Earth to live. I know that might sound strange, but if we are not given more than we can bear - He trusts you with a ton! The ONLY way I can see that happening is that YOU are one of the very few people who CAN handle it. I think that makes you pretty amazing - but does not make it any easier. I would like to echo what your husband says and tell you to keep your Bible open....even if you have to just struggle through one verse a day. It is there to provide YOU with comfort, and while you may not see that happening on a daily, weekly, or sometimes even monthly basis - I truly believe that it will. Now, I have never been through cancer myself, but I did recently see my sister in law fight two rare forms of leukemia. She is a beautiful, young mother of twin boys. My husband has six siblings, and luckily Drew, the youngest and the one currently in college was the best match. I hear she is finally doing better. So while I cannot understand at all what you are going through, I have seen it effect part of our family. The only thing that Justin and I could think to do to help was that we spent hours on end this year raising money for our Relay for Life Team. Past that, the occasional family fasting on a Sunday for good results....there was not much we could do. I wish that there was something I could do or say that would make you feel better, or even just take a small amount of that pain away for a bit. What I can do is say that you can turn in your assignments when you are able - I know that your family and you need to come first right now, and I urge you to do that. The other thing that might seem a little strange is that I have two books that I sent to a friend going through a rough patch. Neither is very long, but anyone I think that they are great for someone who is going through a rough time. I should say that one of them, which is called "Believing Christ" is written by an LDS author (Mormon - that is our specific faith) but written 95% for a general Christian audience.

The other would be "The Screwtape Letters" by C.S. Lewis. The book by Lewis is actually a fictional take about how Satan looks at our weaknesses and tries to bring us down - and this is done in a very creative way.

The first talks about how many times we say we believe IN Christ, but have a harder time to actually believe that the blessings he offers so openly are really for us - the difference between "Believing in" and actually "Believing Him" which is so much harder to do! I happen to have multiple copies of both, and would be more than happy to send them to you personally if you would like (and I would not even test you on them later). Again, this has nothing to do with SOU, just me as a person. But you are very right - this is something that is unfair - but I truly believe with the wonderful family support and love you have around you that I see anything but success in your future. It may take a little longer, and you may have to work a little harder, but you are an AMAZING person!  God is there with you, even when you do not feel it. I hope that you do not mind me sending a slightly less than professional email, but it seemed more appropriate to me. Take care of yourself, and do not hesitate to let others take care of you as well! AND, if you even need anything - you really are welcome to call me! This may not be something I fully can say "I understand" or "I know how your feel" because I don't. BUT, I can listen to you complain and vent. :)

Allison Deming

PS Your husband is right - keep that Bible open!”

She sent an email back saying she would love to have the books, and I mailed them when the semester was over. It cost me about $8 total – and I figured she would never read them, but a promise is a promise. That was the last I heard from MARY, and while it has crossed my mind from time to time I have always believed she is doing well.

I got an email from her husband this morning asking me to call as soon as possible. My guess was that she must be sick, so as soon as I got it I called him. His voice was crackling, and he was not able to speak well – but he said that he called to thank me. His wife had passed away in a car accident a couple of days prior, and he had just returned from the crash site. She was going to visit her family (or returning) and he said that he was really comforted by what he found in her car. He said that he found a copy of my email that was being used as the bookmark in her Bible – and two other books she mad many, many notes in. After reading it he said he was convinced that I helped her prepare “to go” which brought him much comfort. I was the only person he had talked to that was not family, and as far as he was concerned – now I was. He said she talked about me all the time and how wonderful her new experience in school was going to be. I was basically a total wreck at this point, but if nothing else it has taught me one thing – whenever we have that opportunity to even just try to lift someone up, we should not ignore it. Life is short, and six wonderful children lost their wife in just a few seconds, while a great man lost his companion. You could not hope in several lifetimes to have the students that I have, and for that – I am truly the one who has been able to learn from them….

~Allison Deming~

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