Ok, I have a thought question for anyone who would like to answer. This is something that I have been pondering for some time now and have been unable to come to a "real" answer to. So here it is: When someone you care about and trust, such as a dear friend or family member betrays your trust and does something to really hurt you...you are suppose to forgive them. This I understand. But how do you forget that it happened? There are those of us who do not trust too easily, thus when it is broken we remember it for a long time (not meaning small things). The problem is that we are programmed to remember. Is forgetting part of forgiving, or are we just left to always remember things that happen even if it interferes in our ability to function on an everyday basis with those individuals involved? If we have not forgotten have we truly forgiven? If forgetting is not involved, how do we not let this type of betrayal ruin the relationship that was hurt? Thoughts....?
Wedding Photo
Justin and I were married July 28th, 2007 in Denver Colorado. I am currently finishing my Ph.D. at Texas Tech University, and starting an Assistant Professorship at Ferrum College in Virginia this August. Justin is proudly serving the US Army in Iraq from May 2008 to at least June 2009. We love our families, our church, our cats - and of course, each other. This blog is to keep our friends and family up to date on our doings, thoughts, and feelings.
Allison and Justin
One of our engagement photos, taken in the Spring of 2007 on TTU Campus.
The Deming Family
Demings, Larsons and Springers...many but wonderful.
Hollingsworth Family
Mom, Dad, Justin, Allison, Carl Wayne, Teresa, Kate, Elyse, Aunt Marylin and Aunt Evelyn
My Brother and I
At my wedding in Denver, my brother is currently an Assistant Professor of Audting and Accounting at Clemson University in South Carolina. He has the most beautiful daughters, Kate and Elyse.
Justin, Karla, Melissa, and Martha!
A great picture from my wedding! Three of my closest friends: Karla, who I have known since 11th grade and has changed my life in many positive ways (center). She has two children and and third on the way, currently living in Las Vegas. Melissa (Right), a wonderful and true friend since my Sophomore year in College. She is married in Virginia now. And last, but not least: Martha (Left), a beautiful and one of the most kind people I have ever known, and met at BYU. She lives in Utah with her two gorgeous daughters. I could not be more lucky in the friend department.
Caroline and I
My friend Caroline at the wedding - we may have met ramdomly, but she is the only sister I have ever had.
Cleo
Defining Spoiled: My baby, spends all her free time in my lap. Not quite sure what I would do without her.
Squishy
Trouble Comes in All Sizes: Justin found Squishy at a garage sale of a friend while living in Oklahoma. She did not have a home, and was sick. He took her in, and the rest is history! She is currently residing with Caroline in SLC, while Justin is depoyed. She and Cleo do not quite get along yet, but their time will come.
Jaba the Cleo
Bring Me Solo and a Cookie!
Squishy and Toby!
From Caroline!
7 comments:
Tough, tough questions. The only conclusion I ever came to is that forgetting sometimes means only that we don't hold it against them and bring it up all the time and dwell on it. I'll be honest - forgetting completely sure doesn't seem possible in this life. BUT, as we know, "with God, nothing shall be impossible"...
I guess I just say, if you can get to the point where you can interact with them without feeling anger or hurt, then that is as good as forgetting. And the only real advice I can give is: the atonement will work miracles - use it for this too!
Hope you are doing well (or at least ok :)
Boy, this is a really good question, Allison! Someone wiser than me should respond :) There's truth to the saying "Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me."
I would have to say if the person who has broken the trust is truly repentant, then they will truly work at earning that trust back. If the person is not actively trying to improve themselves AND their relationship w/you, then there's no point in trusting, because they'll betray again and again. The Savior has taught us to forgive and forget, and our Prophet has taught us that you can love the sinner w/out loving the sin.
My experience in this field comes from a brother who is an addict. I love my brother, but I can't trust him.
I agree with Melissa. If you can interact with them without the hurt and anger, then you're golden. There are people in my life (very close to me) that I can't forgive or forget what they've done. But, there are things I have forgiven and forgoten as well. It all depends on how much the betrayer's relationship out weighs what has been done.
People typically never truely forget with huge betrayals of any kind...but, slowly there will come hours where it's not thought of, then days, then months. Yes, we are programmed to remember these things, but keep in mind that other memories can take their place in importance and (most) betrayals can turn into something you don't readily remember anymore. There's my two cents. As usual, probably no help :) That's what I'm here for.
I may be wrong, but I believe that nowhere in the scriptures will you find the phrase, "forgive and forget". We are commanded to always forgive (whether the sinner is repentant or not) and it is the Lord who forgets. The key thing for us I think is to forgive and "forget" the horrible feelings we have for the person. That takes a long time if it is a serious offense, but it is necessary for our individual salvation. I am reminded that when Alma the Younger repented he explained that he "remembered his pains no more" I think that it is very hard to forget events (and not necessary-remembering helps us not to repeat offenses) but through the atonement, we can forget the pains and bad feelings associated with the sin. This is brief off the top of my head. Sorry if it's wrong or doesn't make sense. Oh-forgiving also doesn't mean that you have to be best friends with said person necessarily. I think that it just means that you see them as a child of God again, and treat them as such. Hope this helps.
I agree with what has been said. Forgetting to me just means you won't dwell on it and the bitterness of feeling won't be there. That can take a long time though. Also, forgiving does not mean that trust automatically comes back. I think that has to be built up again over a long period with the person working to regain your trust.
I don't think we are supposed to forget. True forgiveness means that we can remember, but not with pain or feelings of hurt or anger. The atonement can take the bitterness out of the memory, but it does not wipe away the memory. If that were the case our lives would not be much to look back on and learn from. We are thinking of you Allison. :)
This is a really good question. I don't think that you really can forget the hurts that are done to you. I feel that all we can do is grow from them. What's important is being willing to move past it. If that cannot be done, then it may be time to break ties. The trust may take some time to come back, but it can only do so with a willing heart and patience. I'm thinking about you during this time.
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